Too much fishing...

... is there such a thing? I'll admit for a few moments last weekend I felt as though it was most certainly possible.

It had been a very busy week. Not only did I have the shock of being back on the mainland and back to work but I had been running about in the evenings trying to assemble a load of stuff for Tom's kayak trip... all the things he wasn't able to source of organise from over there.
I arrived at Claris airport feeling shattered! Tom arrived to pick me up and asked, "Wanna go fishing?"

To be honest it was the last thing I really wanted to do right then, I was feeling tired and harrassed from my week back in the city... I just wanted to relax. We decided to go to the sports club for a cold beer. A couple of jugs later we went home and Tom cooked up the steak I'd taken over with me... after a week of sandwiches on the run for dinner it was lovely to put my feet up and enjoy the meal. Once I'd eaten I could barely keep my eyes open... Tom said I was snoring before my head hit the pillow.

I was deep asleep.... Tom was stirring.... I peeked through one eyelid to see it was still dark but I knew it was getting closer to morning. I knew what was coming... Tom gave me a nudge, "oi... you awake?".
I played dead... it wasn't hard to do. Then there was a bigger nudge... "Mmmmmmmphrrrm? Whaaaat?"
"Wanna go fishing? The wind has dropped, it'll be pretty flat out there. If we go now we can be on the water by 6."
"Errrphmmmmm...."
"Well? You in?"
"No babe... can't move... tooooo tired.... you go on ahead...."
"You sure?"
"Mmmmmmhm... have fun"

With that he was off.... I lay there in my doped state listening to him get his gear together and thinking. Why? Why do we have to be fishing every spare moment? It was too much... sucking the joy out of it for me... aarrggh..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzz

I woke up a couple of hours later in a better frame of mind and pulled out my book. After an hour or so of reading I was starting to feel more human... I had needed that extra sleep and after a couple of cups of coffe I was feeling human again. It was okay, we could go out together for a fish again in the evening.
I pottered about the place until Tom arrived home at about 10:30.
"You didn't miss much babe... it was pretty hard going and not much happening"
I went out to the van to get my camera out. That's when I saw it... a large tail poking out of the fish bin... I laughed... "Sure it was a slow morning!"
"It was! I didn't get that until I was about to head home... and it was on my last scrungy bait!"
Still... it'd be fair to say he was pretty pleased with himself....

This one weighed in at a bit over 12 pound... a bit big for just the two of us so the decision was made to smoke him and share it around with our neighbours.

Too much fishing indeed!! What was I thinking?.... Sheeesh!

We set out again in the late afternoon for an evening fish. Tom had decided to drop the collapsable cray-pot he'd been given by a friend but once we got to the wharf we realised we'd left the fish frames we would use to bait it at home. He decided to drive back up to the house and get it so I started paddling out ... he would catch up later.

I'd made for "my spot" where I've had the most luck this summer and set myself up. Just as I saw Tom paddling out of the bay towards me I hooked up. By the time Tom had reached me I'd landed a reasonable snapper... that would do us for dinner with a bit of bread and butter.

Tom carried on past me to set the cray-pot and then headed out into deeper water to try his luck out there.

It was a lovely evening so I opened a beer to celebrate it and kicked back. I hooked up another 3 fish... all well over the legal minimum but only kept one... no need to get too carried away! It was pretty slow going though all in all. The fish seemed to be in mid water which meant they weren't on the bite... just cruising. It looked like Tom was paddling back towards me... then I took a hard strike as I was winding my line in. For a while I thought maybe I'd hooked a kahawai but it didn't seem quite right... not running anywhere as much as a kahawai would although I had spooled my rod with a heavier braid that afternoon so maybe that was making the difference? We played tug of war for a while before I could see colour... I reach around for the net... I was going to play this one safe. Tom arrived just as I was landing it. I think he was secretly pleased to see it was not in contention with his fish from the morning.

We pottered about a little more enjoying the sunset before we decided to call it a day. It's always pretty special to be out on the water at this time of night... some of the sunsets are so stunning! This wasn't a particularly spectactular one ... no clouds for the colurs to bounce about with. It was more like a dye leak, the colour slowly moving across the sky getting deeper as time went on.

Then ... the natural wonders never cease... as we got closer into the wharf the water started lighting up. The were some good strong spots of phospherence and the kayaks glowed blue along the water looking for all the world like we had the naff blue lights all the boy-racers install under their cars... except much cooler! We were like a couple of 6 years olds with cap guns... only a lot damper! Splashing about to make the water glow. This bit of video gives you some idea... the white light is my headlight and it's reflection but the flashes of blue are from me splashing with my paddle... awesome!!

Eventually we decided to give up playing and head home for a fish dinner... some for us and some for the neighbours... it doesn't get much fresher than that.

Is there such a thing as too much fishing? Myth and fairytales... don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Foiled!!

Well ... yesterday we went for a drive over the hill and the view looked like this...

Today when we went for a drive it looked like this...

Yes! The weather gods had conspired in my favour... I was due to fly out in the afternoon... the holiday would be over but with so much low cloud it was likely that the flights would be cancelled. The flights from the island navigate by sight only, they are after all only tiny planes! If the visibility was crap there would be no flight home... deep down I was ecstatic... the inevitable wold be delayed , if only for another day....

Tom said to me "You are a witch!"...

I cackled... Mwaahahaaa!

It was not to be... within a few hours this weather had blown over and my flight would be running as scheduled... dagnamit!

And so... here I am... back on the mainland... counting sleeps until I fly back out again (only 5)... and trying not to think about going back to work in the morning!

Sigh!

It's not all sweetness and light...

Just so you know, we still get wind and rain even though we are on holiday.

We watched this spectacular example of weather closing in from our possie on the beach... we were doomed from the start... all our gear, including kayak and a beach shelter... We just had to accept there was no escape! But man was it spectaular! Thunder, lightning, rain and wind!! It's never dull around here!

By the time we carted everything back up to the van the worst was over and the rain was easing... just our luck!!

How blessed are we?

Oh my goodness... how will I ever be able to explain what an amazing couple of days we have had?

We had a relatively uneventful crossing on the ferry an didn't arrive on the island until close to midnight.

The first day on the island we woke up and after a Tommy special breakfast, we got busy with unpacking and trying to find spots for everything in our wee bach. Libby was frothing to get to the beach so the afternoon was beach time. Libby was like a whirling dervish - swimming, snorkling, kayaking, playing in the sand, climbing trees and then doing it all over again. She was so excited to finally be here that I think she was determined to do everything all at once - amazing energy levels!! Just when you expected her to curl up exhausted she would be away again!

New Years Eve was a quiet affair for us. A bit of bellydance and drumming on the deck at Libby's request and then an early night.

Tom was up and away early for a paddle and a fish. Libby woke up shouting "Happy New Year" and came down for breakfast. We pottered about re-arranging the bach trying to find the best place for everything to go... always a bit of an evolving process.

Tom arrived home with a 9 pound snapper - dinner was taken care of! It was a stinking hot day so we waited until about 3:00 before we went down to the beach. When we got there we were treated to this....

Words won't do this justice... and really to be honest neither does the video! What and amazing few hours we had watching this performance!

It seems criminal to be blogging when there is so much to be doing outdoors... I had to share this though and skite... if I'm not around it's because I'm busy with life on the island!

Countdown to C-day

Well... this might be the last post before the big day! I'm feeling pretty much under control on the present front and getting organised for the big day.

I spent Saturday baking. Tom was away on Kawau Island working so I had the run of the house and no distractions.

I made chocolate chip log to take for desert on Christmas Day. This is something I haven't had for many, many years.... probably not since I left school. Mum used to get me to make this and I have fond memories of it. I hope it's as good as I remember! It's basically chocolate chip biscuits dipped in port or sherry and sandwiched together with whipped cream and then once the whole packet is assembled, covered with the remaining cream and frozen... very, very rich!

I also made 3 batches of the Pioneer Woman's favourite christmas cookies from childhood and beyond... phew... what a mouthful! I made these for the first time last year, they were so colourful that I think this will become a yearly favourite of mine. I had to make a few adjustments... I substituted butter for the shortening, I found I had to cook them a little longer and I cheated with premade icing in a tube. The tube icing was a real blessing as I don't have much of an affinity with piping bags, they tend to burst at the most inopportune time, I went through 3 last christmas!!

I really enjoyed myself. It's not often I bake so it was nice way to spend the day. All the cookies have found new homes... some for the bar staff at our local, some for our mate Wazza and his family, a tinful for my wonderful neighbour and the rest I took into work today.... it's nice to be able to share them!

Please... help yourself...

Creativity strikes....

I know... I know! I wasn't going to start any new projects until I finished the ones I already had on the go... But that isn't quite how it works... it's not the nature of the beast!

And it's been soaking up spare time so that I haven't updated the blog... oh well, there's only so much time in the day.

So... I have a new painting/collage that will be my random gift for Christmas. We don't do the whole present thing for everyone any more. We tend to buy for the kids and have a different arrangement for the adults now that the family has expanded. Participation is optional and it means only one present to think about. This year we've set a value of about $20... if you want to get a present you have to buy a present, then we number the gifts and draw numbers... trade and negotiations are allowed! So I have one of my ... er ... creations to give this year. I won't put a photo up yet (maybe after it's been gifted) as I don't know if my family read this on a regular basis and I'd like to keep it a surprise. Trouble is, I've had to hide it away because the more I look at it the more I like it... I won't be upset if I draw my own number!!

And then there's my latest creation... Bling bling!! A necklace to wear to my work Christmas function on Friday. All the bits have come from the dollar shop so I don't think the materials cost any more than $5... Yeah! Teamed with a $10 dress and $10 shoes from a second hand shop. I'm not too proud to wear pre-loved gear... and I must have enough Scottish ancestry to begrudge spending a pile on a dress I'm not likely to have the opportunity to wear again! I'll be going as cheap chic!! Given that the theme is Flash or Trash I reckon I'll fit into both categories!!

Oh well... maybe now I can get back to the patchwork and maybe I'll get it finished.... eventually!!

Farha, far away

Oh my… where do I start on the Sydney Trip? I don’t know that I want to do a blow by blow account but let’s see how that goes…

It was odd to be going away knowing Terry had passed away. I don’t think I had comprehended it properly still and with Tommy over on Great Barrier it made it all the more difficult. Still, as Tom pointed out, Tel-boy would have wanted us to get on with living rather than moping about after him… I was determined to do my best!
We flew Emirates to Sydney and by the time our shuttle dropped us at Parkside Apartments in Parramatta it was around 8pm – going on dark. We claimed beds, dumped our bags and headed down the road for a walk so we could get a sense of where the theatre, dance studios where and…. The Bazaar!!! Wheeee!! Shopping!!!
It was a pleasant surprise to find the theatre just a short stroll from the apartments – only 5 minutes away. The dance studios where many of the workshops would be were only a little further down the road. The train station and mall were not much further on from there… it was all so much more compact than I had imagined after my forays into Google Maps…. Good … less time walking, more time to do other things!
We stocked up on milk, bread, cereal, etc, walked back to the apartments to unpack and then turned in for the night.
Most of us were awake quite early the next day… our body clocks betraying us, still on NZ time!
After working out a system for distributing the two sets of keys between the 5 of us in our apartment and swapping cell phone numbers everyone went their separate ways. My first workshop wasn’t until 11:30 so I stayed back to shower and breakfast but by 9:00 I was itching to get out so I packed a day bag and set off down the road. I made my way to the theatre where the bazaar was still being set up. Most stalls were up and there were a few people milling about so I started poking through the goodies. Vicky came racing up behind me having snuck into the bazaar before it was quite open and was very excited to have already found a costume and purchased it! Crikey… the shopping frenzy had started! I steeled myself… I did not want to buy anything on the first day in the flush of excitement and then regret it after… it was not going to be easy!
I made my way down the street and found a café around the corner from the dance studio. I sat back with a coffee to watch the world go by for half an hour before registering for the class. I played a bit of “spot the belly dancer” seeing ladies with hip-scarves, armed with bottles of water, some already loaded up with bags of goodies from the bazaar, all making their way along the road towards the studios.
I’m sad to say I was quite disappointed with my first workshop in as much as I had expected something quite different – based on the description. The blurb for the workshop told us we would “examine how to transfer from one technique to another, focusing on transition of movements” and “explore precision arm technique in conjunction with hip technique”. But basically we learnt choreography… what? To be fair the description did say “In this class you will learn a short choreography focusing on the examples of the movement transitions you have learnt” but I had expected at least some discussion on the actual techniques included in the choreography and that the choreography itself would be would be a tool through which we could learn and consolidate the moves. It wasn’t… we simply learnt the choreography … a string of moves to a piece of music with no real attempt to expand on why we would do certain moves… It was quite disappointment and I was now worried about what the remaining workshops would entail!
Still … I was there… doing it… it would be okay! I wandered back along to the theatre … or rather to the bazaar, for another look over the goodies.
I had set myself some rules about what I would look for … I was interested in finding a sword, silk veils, endless wave harem pants in particular and I really did not need any more coin belts or hip scarves with coins on. So far I hadn’t found any silk veils or harem pants and there was really only once style of sword there… but they didn’t ring any bells for me. And then I saw them… assuit coin belts! Oh dear! I fondled them for a while before doing a few more laps of the other stalls… returning occasionally for another look and all the while telling myself I didn’t need another belt with coins… sigh.
I returned to the apartment later that afternoon to freshen up for an early dinner with the whole group at El Phoenecian before the show. It was a truly spectacular dinner! Most of us opted for the banquet which meant we got to try a variety of dishes. Banquets are always a very sociable way of dining and I enjoyed the dips and salads and most especially the lamb kebabs…. Mmmmmm-mmm!
Then it was off to the show!
I really had no idea what the show would be like having only really been to teacher/student shows here in NZ. To be honest I walked out of the show a little under whelmed and initially I wasn’t sure why… the dancing had been beautiful, the music fantastic and there where most certainly very entertaining and comic moments… I was tired and a little disappointed. Then it dawned on me that perhaps I had not realised I really did have some pre-conceived expectations based on Belly Dance Super Stars videos which is really an entirely different beast. In hindsight that was wrong… and a bit of a shame because it left me with niggling doubts about the worth of the show. Comparing the Farha Tour to BDSS is like expecting Riverdance when you’re watching Irish dance… wrong, wrong, wrong. And I wished I’d made more of an effort to go and see the show again, as some of the others in our group did. Still, it has opened my eyes to Egyptian dance and I’m really pleased to have had the opportunity to see it.

The rest of the trip was a blur of workshops and shopping… I won’t go through it all in detail or this post will never happen! The remaining workshops and lectures were fantastic so my concerns after the first workshop were unfounded. I had an absolute ball and would go again in a heartbeat!

And now... I'm going to bail... and leave you with this...

Young@Heart

While I pull together a post about my Sydney trip have a think about going to see this movie...

I saw this last night and I can't recommend it enough. What a wonderful movie!
It has a certain poignancy with the recent passing of a couple of mates, who will now never get to the age of the cast but who I know would be in there boots and all! But then again, they're probably doing that already.

The songs these wonderful people sing take on a whole new meaning simply because of the ages of the choir... there's a certain irony when a little wee 92 year old woman sings "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" by The Clash (or "The Crash" as she calls them)... and then as she finishes performing the song on stage the audience roars back.... "STAY!!!"

Tears were streaming done my face the entire time from the sheer emotion of it... there were sad moments, yes, but also many rip-roaring thigh slapping moments as well that had me laughing so hard the tears didn't stop!! There were times when I'd spontaneously start clapping... and others in the audience had their own moments as well... sitting in a theatre with tears rolling down my face at a rate of knots I could hear others sniffling around me, collective Aaaaaaw's when there was bad news and every now and then something would really tickle someone and they'd burst into a short applause themselves....

Don't wait for this to get to TV... go see it in a theatre...

...Take tissues!!

It's been a bit quiet around here...

... because I've been away... guess where... let me give you a clue...

Yes... after months of waiting it was finally time to see the Farha Tour. I had a fantastic time but am too tired to write about it now... it has been a week of great highs and lows.

A very special friend passed away last week before I went away and while I was away another friend also died suddenly. So despite the fantastic trip I feel emotionally wrecked right now...

I'm not up to much more of a post than this at the moment ...

Island hangover...

Waaaah!!
I'm back on the mainland... not quite kicking and screaming but I was a long way from being the most enthusiastic passenger on the 6 seater plane back.
It seems to get harder and harder to tear myself away from that place. I worked remotely today and even curled up in the wee shack that is our island home it seems a treat. It's so quiet that I get loads done. I had to chuckle when I read the weekly "what's happening" email from our directors that included... "Janene is working from home today".... it is more and more like home... more so than our home here on the mainland even.
Being back is tough ... my feet felt like they were in concrete boots as I trudged my way back to where the car was parked at the airport... my head felt full of cotton wool and when I got back to the house it was hard work just getting up the steps and letting myself in... there has been no sense of relief to be back... just a quiet sadness that I am... it's like a hangover without the alcohol.

Dooo-dooo-doo…looking out my back door…

Or rather looking out my toilet door… sorry for those of you with more delicate sensibilities…. but really… if your toilet had no door… and this was your view from the bog… tell me... how could you go wrong?

Chuffed with myself....

So... since my big clear out I've had quite a few opportunities to add to my treasure trove of craftiness... but... I'm pleased to say that I've remained disciplined about it all.

At the end of last term we were starting to learn a gyspy influenced choreography at dance class. This involves wearing a very full skirt and a lot of swishing about with it... almost a spanish influence... so... a new skirt was going to be needed. I gave the devil on my shoulder (telling me to whip up to Ikes and buy some material for it) a twack and found a piece in my stash that would do nicely. I think I had planned to make some harem pants or something like that when I originally bought it but that hadn't happened. The skirt is now made and I can't wait to get back to class to try it out learning the rest of the dance!

I've also pulled out the patchwork quilt I've been working on for ages, on and off. That is my evening past-time for now and is one of the last unfinished projects I have about the place... it's time to get it finished! When I hauled it out I was surprised to find I don't actually have a lot left to go until it is done so I feel quite motivated. I'm looking forward to seeing it finished and on the bed.

And in the meantime I dream about what I will do next....

...I'd like to try and make a big collar type necklace - think Cleopatra - using multicoloured glass beads I have stashed...

... I haven't done a painting in a long time and have some ideas brewing there...

... or the next bellydance bedlah, a silver one maybe...

... or an idea I have involving shells I've collected, some jewellery probably...

... or ...

... actually, I should just shut up and go work on my patchwork!!

Grrrrrr!!!

I’m feeling rather unsettled the last couple of days…. Something is brewing…

Possibly partly because I’m missing our wee poppet, who flew back to Wanganui on Sunday… she is growing up so fast and is becoming a real character….

Maybe partially because of the storm that has been brewing and starting to manifest itself now… atmospheric pressure?

But mainly because I watched the Zeitgeist Addendum on Sunday evening… my blood is boiling.
I’m not even going to try and explain it here… I don’t believe I can do it clearly or eloquently enough, better for you to take a look at it for yourself.

Earlier this year I saw Zeitgeist - The Movie at a screening on Great Barrier. It was enough to make me start questioning the way things work – including whether the makers had their own agenda for control. It also left me feeling somewhat helpless – what could I even do about any of it anyway?

So having seen the Addendum I’m left swinging between raging anger and total despair.

Anger… at the greed of the world… the system that we’ve let rule us to the point where it’s become every man and dog for themselves…. It has escalated to the point where there is a whole generation feeding on instant gratification through credit…ME ME ME!! Where money and things are king… where we are constantly drip fed new technology that is out dated the moment you’ve been suckered into buying it… where people no longer know or care about their neighbours and community…

And the sadness at what we have become. We have let this happen to us without questioning... We have trusted those with the reigns of our society and been misguided... At knowing that even if the proposed solution ever comes about it won’t be in my lifetime… certainly not on a world scale - although I have hope our goal to live to the island will get us (personally) a lot closer....

I find it difficult to even verbalise the things going through my head so I won’t ramble …


But you might not get any sense out of me for a wee while…


And now… to distract myself, and for the joy of being productive, I'm off to finish a new skirt for belly dance – surely that’ll make me feel better!

When will I learn?

Gah! just lost a whole new post to the internet gremlins... off to try and re-write it... I should know by now to write a draft file and copy it over to blogger rather than writing it direct... GRRRRRRR!!

Getting my house in order

I'm most certainly not the most tidiest person in the world but I generally know where to find everything I need. That said, a "rationalisation" of all my bits and bobs has been well over due. While Tommy has been away I took the opportunity to go through my bundles of craft supplies, beads, material, ribbons, thread etc and weed out the crap.
I got a couple of under-bed storage bins for all my fabrics... and set a new rule... I can keep what fits in the bins... if they are full I can't buy any more material unless I first use something out of the bins... use the old before topping up with new. There were a lot of memories as I sorted through my hoard... material left over from throw cushions I made for my bedroom when I was about twelve... pale lemony prints... yum... left overs from a dress I made to go to the Dalmation Ball when I was about eighteen... wine velvet... mmmm... gosh I hang onto some crap!! I was ruthless with a lot of the stuff and ended up with few bags to get rid of. These I took into work and they were soon claimed by a few crafty people for patchworks and other projects... and the remainder went home with someone that was going to take it to a local kindy... I feel much better passing that stuff on to new homes rather than just tossing it in the rubbish!
After that it was time to go through my collection of beads. I had a bin I use to store most of my collection... all in smaller containers, wee jars, etc. Not exactly the most efficient use of space. I must have done through at least 150 wee snap lock bags as I tipped all my beads into individual bags that I then was able to sort into groups according to color and size... and the whole lot is now living in it's own set of stack drawers... a much better solution!
After that I attacked my tangle of lace and ribbon. These I have also put into individual zip lock bags so that they can no longer contort themselves into one giant knot, making it impossible to find anything! As I slowly detangled it all I found wee scraps ... three inches here and two there... why had I hung onto these? Anything under about 6 inches was turfed... no more softy hoarder here!
All my threads were next... at least this wasn't so bad... I threw out a few reels that had very little left on them and the rest are all stored together.
After all that effort the house doesn't actually look much different but I now have a framework of storage for my crafty bits... and I feel much more motivated to carry on through the rest of the house.... it's about time I sort through my clothes and weed out the crap...

....but not tonight

Like chips and dip...

... once you start it's hard to stop!
I've been spending time re-organising my sewing and craft supplies over the weekend. We had gorgeous weather yesterday and I felt a bit guilty spending most of the day indoors.
So after a jaunt to the markets at Browns Bay I decided to get out the weed spray and blast my neglected garden. I mixed up a batch of round-up and went around the entire section blasting the weeds all around the place. I may well have to repeat the exercise in a couple of weeks to catch anything I missed today but I felt pleased to have finally paid my garden some attention and it was nice to be out in the sunshine!
As I was putting the sprayer back in the garage the fan palm next to the drive caught my attention. It could do to have some of the fronds trimmed back, so I grabbed my pruning saw and went to it. These palms have nasty thorns and despite being really careful I still manage to rip a hole in left hand.... youch! Still it was nice to be outdoors and as I hacked away at the palm I cursed the hedge which was really getting beyond a joke... that could do with a haircut too. Perhaps if I just trimmed back some of the taller shoots at the road end of the hedge it wouldn't be quite so annoying.
Out came the loppers and I went at it... and went... and went... it seemed such a shame to only tidy up one end... I may as well carry on and do the lot. The further I got along the hedge, the harder I pruned it. And by the time I got to the end I had pretty much decided that the hedge would have to go altogether some time over the next few months. Since the neighbours put a fence in we really don't need the hedge any more, getting rid of it will make the front of the house a lot more open. It will also mean that when we eventually make it to the island and rent this place out it is one less thing for tenants (or us) to worry about maintaining... we find it enough of a chore ourselves which is why it gets out of control! I'd have poisoned it then and there if I could have found the Vigilant but I think I took it over to the Barrier so that was the end of that idea... for now... I'll let Tom have at it with a chainsaw I think.
I surveyed my handywork and felt quite chuffed with my effort. It's been a long time since I've had a session in the garden and the 3 hours or so I spent out there had flown by. Judging by the sounds of lawn-mowers and weed-whackers around the neighbourhood I wasn't the only one out taking advantage of the first really nice weekend we've had in a long time!
There's plenty of time to finish the indoor chores another day!!

Feeling very grateful...

... and really quite humbled by the responses to the news of our miscarriage. First off responses in the comments here on the blog... I didn't really think anyone was reading... but to get sympathetic and supportive messgages from complete strangers is really quite special. Thank you.
I've also had messages and phone calls from people I really didn't expect. My cousin's wife called me... I barely know her but she wanted me to know that she understood, having experienced miscarriages herself. Also from the daughter of a friend of Mum's who emailed me... I haven't seen her for many years and yet when she heard about it she wanted to offer up her advice and support... It's extremely touching and very much appreciated.
Other people have heard and shared their own stories with me and then there are many people haven't contacted me directly. I can understand that, but they have passed on messages through Mum, Tom and other family members.
It has been a real eye opener for me in terms of just how common miscarriage is. I guess it's not really something that gets shouted from the rooftops and it's hardly a conversation opener. For people that haven't been through it, it's an uncomfortable subject... what do you say? And yet there seems to be a real sisterhood amongst those who have and they all reach out to help others.
My thanks to all who have reached out to me!

A bit fuzzy around the edges…

Awesome!! The show went really well… at least so I’ve been told. My memory of it all is a bit blurry as I was starting to really come down with a nasty bug… blergh!!
I was feeling off most of the day on Friday, all over achy and tired. Still I trotted off for the dress rehearsal keen as a button.
There would be no cameras allowed on the night aside from the official photographer so it would be our only opportunity to get our own snaps. I’d left my good camera behind and picked up our little sport camera as I left home. My classmates’ daughter was going to watch the dress rehearsal as she had volunteered to help in the kitchen on show night and would miss the actual show. She offered to try and get a few snaps for me which was wonderful (and where the photos for this post came from).
The day of the show I was really starting to feel crappy. By the afternoon I submitted and slept on the couch until it was time to get ready and leave.
There wasn’t a lot of room in the backstage change area so I hung out my costumes in order and laid out my bags each containing the accessories I needed for each set in a space that was free. Then it was time to get ready…. The whole time slugging back energy drink and sucking on cough lollies.
The show got started and backstage we gathered around the TV with the video feed from the stage to catch what we could of the other performances.

The first dance I was involved in was a group sword number about halfway through the first section of the show. At the dress rehearsal it had gone really well, the sword balanced well for me and stayed on my head through twists and turns…. But not tonight…oh dear! It started out well but once I got the sword on my head it decided it did not want to be there… what a disappointment.

Still, there wasn’t time to dwell on it, I had to be changed ready for the next number. We would be winding up the first half of the show with a tribal number. I was really looking forward to this number as it changed each time. There was no choreography to remember and so there was nothing you could really get wrong. It was certainly fun to perform!

During the intermission I scurried to get my hair extensions in and the next costume on because we were on second in the next section with our wings number. By this stage I was starting to feel really awful, as we waited in the wings for our turn to perform again I realised I was still sucking on a cough lolly… I crunched it up as quickly as I could as tried to make sure all evidence was gone by the time we needed to be on stage. We had struggled a bit with this choreography. The first time I’d performed it we had nine of us on stage but tonight there was only four. Still the dress performance had gone okay so it should be a breeze…. And it was… that was until about half way through the dance when things started going haywire. I think at different points from here on in we all messed up at different points. I couldn’t tell you exactly what happened but it was an awful feeling…. To just be blank… and not know what came next!!! Gah!! I was most pleased to get off stage after that one!!

I had 16 minutes in which to be ready in costume for my next piece… my solo! There was no time to think about what had gone wrong with the wings number! I slugged back more energy drink and popped another cough lolly in my mouth as I hurried to get ready. I wasn’t really nervous… more numb… by this stage it was a struggle to stay upright! I was really pleased with the reaction from other dancers to my performance at the dress rehearsal. I’d been paid so many compliments but even so I still find it a bit hard to believe in myself. I know my music inside out so I wasn’t concerned about forgetting the choreography for this… if I did, I could just improvise… no-one would know any better! I needn’t have worried as it went without a hitch – my first solo in a show, my first solo performance for non-dancers!! Wow! I did it!

One more change of costume, one more performance to go… the finale! I love the number that we’d be performing to close the show. It is such a fun and cheeky number! Aside from not being able to hear some of the base notes to begin with it went without a hitch!!

Hooray!! It was over… all I could think about was getting home to bed which is a bit of a shame! Still, I have the DVD to look forward to!

Counting down...

... to the show!!

I didn't tell you about that did I? With everything else that has been going on I hadn't talked about this and yet over the last few weeks it has given me an alternative focus. The preparations have had me in almost meditative states as I've stitched, beaded, plaited ...

Tickets sold out last week so we'll have a full house... Wow!! Not long to go now ... 4 more sleeps!! Crikey... perhaps I shouldn't say that it's a bit daunting! Gulp!

I've been keeping busy getting costumes prepared... Five, count 'em, FIVE costumes!! I'm in 5 different numbers of the show... including my first on stage performance of my solo... no pressure!

I've found a lot of solace in getting existing costumes up to scratch and creating new ones. It's such a fun process... although the house is a looks like a bomb went off at Spotlight.

It's not just getting the actual costumes ready but figuring out how the changes will work. Organising all the bits required for each change and deciding on hair options that will work with each outfit and yet be easy enough to get ready between sets... potentially a logistical nightmare... and yet I think I'm almost there with it all. A coathanger for each costume with ziplock baggies attached holding the respective jewellery and accessories. I'm hopeful that my system works, but we'll find out at dress rehearsal on Friday night!!

Fingers crossed!

And so it goes...

Life goes on... It has been two weeks since the scan, two weeks since everything came crashing down around me. The weekend was spent quietly at home trying to get our heads around what had happened. There was no point trying to find a reason ... it just simply was.... there were tears and conversations as we digested everything. We both seemed to be on much the same wavelength in terms of how we were dealing with it although the lions share of tears were mine... me and my leaky eyes!

Going to work on the Monday was hard... it was meant to be the day I could share our great news but instead I had to try and keep a grip on reality. I spent a great deal of the day gritting my teeth and trying to reign in my grief... At 3 in the afternoon I got called down to reception to pick up a delivery. Flowers from my Tommy.... it was the final straw for me for the day so I gave up and went home.

Tom didn't have any work on that day so was home when I arrived and was worried that sending the flowers had been the wrong thing to do... poor boy! I knew it was done with love because he was feeling helpless... he couldn't make me feel better any more than I could make him, and yet he still tried. I still had all the pregnancy hormones happening, I had "talked" to this child and started a connection, it was all so physical for me, whereas for Tom it was more conceptual (his words). We both had to find our own way to cope with this, and our experiences would both be quite different.

The following morning I got ready for work but I lost the plot as I was walking out the door... I couldn't do it, I couldn't face anyone, it was too hard.... I crawled back into bed. I didn't want to be anywhere for a while. After Tom left for work I pottered with my craft work... keeping my hands and head busy, but not too busy to think about what was happening. I knew that as much as I wanted to ignore the news, pretend it never happened... it had... and life will go on with or without me.

The next day I was back to work again and I had plenty to keep me occupied so I didn't have lots of time to dwell on things. I booked an appointment to see my GP as so far there was no sign of my body aborting the pregnancy. When I saw him on the Thursday he explained that we could continue to wait and see or I could see the hospital about having a D&C. I was feeling a lot stronger, ready to move on from this and get on with life. I was booked in for an assessment with the hospital the following day.

The assessment was pretty straight forward, lots of forms to fill in and an explanation of the procedure before checking when I could have it done. The soonest would be the following Monday.
Another weekend spent quietly around the house. Luckily, with the show coming up I have plenty to focus on with getting costumes organised... I don't think I've been quite this productive with my crafts in quite a long time!

Monday rolled around soon enough and we got to the hospital at 7am. I was called through to prep for theatre almost immediately. The staff were all marvellous, very sensitive. Tom was sent home and told he'd be called when I was ready to be released again. Once I was taken to pre-op he couldn't see me again until I was released so there was no point in him hanging around at the hospital. I kissed him good-bye and was led off to wait for theatre.

There's not really much more to tell. A wonderful nurse stroked my hand as they stuck all the monitors on. She was still stroking it as the anaesthetic started to work... I could feel my eyes getting heavy... the blood pulsing in my ears.... mmppphf....
"It's working"
"What's that love?"
"It's working... I'm going under...."
"No dear... it's worked... you're waking up... you're in recovery"

Lord... that was quick... I was still a bit disorientated and as I looked around the room the finality of the situation hit me... I wasn't pregnant any more. That was it... over. I could feel the sobs ready to burst out of my chest but managed to calm them with some deep breaths.... haaaaaaaaa.....

After that I had to wait around in recovery for a couple of hours to ensure I was in a fit state to leave. Tommy picked me up and looked after me for the rest of the day, fussing about like mother hen! I am a lucky gal!!

Since then life is returning to normal. I feel as though I'm past the worst of the grief, and I have plenty to be thankful for. It took me a while to actually hit 'publish' on that last post. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I had needed to write about it but it was very personal and I wasn't sure that I should share that with the rest of the world. Part of the devastation of finding out I was miscarrying is feeling so alone, disconnected and insignificant. A great deal of the healing for me is finding out that I am not. This is something that is apparently quite common. When we were given the bad news initially we were told as many as one in four pregnancies ends with miscarriage at varying stages. That was just a statistic to me to begin with... just a number, it didn't help. But as people have learnt about what happened to us I have had many of them reach out with a story about a friend, a relation, or themselves and how they had been through a similar experience, sometime multiple times.

It seems like a selfish thing to say but there is comfort in knowing you aren't alone in the experience, and I can draw strength from all those that have been before me. Maybe by publishing these couple of posts I can pass on some of that to someone else who may need it.

And so, life does go on.... and I look forward to every moment!